Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
