***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
