Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
