I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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