Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
