my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
