I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
