Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
