just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
