When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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