Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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