Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
