Only a mothe r could love this liver
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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