eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
