So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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