A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
