How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
