and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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