She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
