I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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