I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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