And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
