On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
