piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
