life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
