Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
