im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
