Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
