Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
