i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
