what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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