I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
