oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize