I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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