I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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