FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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