I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
