I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
