Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
