i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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