he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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