it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
