the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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