I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
