So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
