it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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