I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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