I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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