im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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