Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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