3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
