you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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