I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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