You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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