bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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