i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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